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Today's meditation brought to my attention precisely what I've been struggling with a great deal for the past few days:
Meditation: Day 13 - The Present Moment is Your Magnet and Your Purpose
___
I never thought that having "butterflies in your stomach" was a real thing, but I guess it is. I felt them all day today, flapping their wings, as the tidal waves in my own life came crashing down. The butterflies weren't the nervous, eager, excited anticipation kind of butterflies. Nor were they falling in love** type butterflies. Nor were they happy or positive in anyway. They were the "eating my insides," dread, panic, anxiety, despair kind. Without divulging too much and without making this post a sob story, I will just say that I am dealing with a really challenging set of circumstances in my life right now. It has caused me to question.
I want to abandon all that I thought I knew to be true.
Everything feels shaky, everything feels untethered and uprooted, caught up in a confusing and violent spiral. It is hard to live, to be in the present moment. And being in the present moment is one of the most profound ways in which I practice my spirituality. It is how I really live.
Right now, I feel caught up in past mistakes and regrets and what-if's and should-have/ could-have's. I feel angry - I am so filled with rage that bubbles up in the form of stinging tears out of the blue. My mind feels trapped in this cage of the past. And I am also trapped in a future cage. I can't stop worrying - obsessing, really - about the future. I play out catastrophes in my head and fear spins ceaselessly like a steering wheel that has lost control. I can't seem to get my hands back on the steering wheel that is my mind. I can't seem to steer it back into place, back on course, back into safety. I feel like I am flailing and drowning and sinking at the same time. If this were quicksand, I know that relaxing and not resisting would be best, but I really am fighting reality, resisting with all my might, abandoning my acceptance practice.
I feel like I am being tossed in a violent ocean. Except, I am the ocean. I often akin mindfulness and meditation as the experience of being the river (the river is the Self) with thoughts/ feelings/ etc. being the leaves on that river. Right now, that water is caught up in a storm. A reckless, unforgiving tempest hellbent to exact revenge.
Amidst all of this, I feel a deep depression. It is not sadness. This is different. I do not want to go into the details of it because I am not sure how helpful it would be for anyone to read. Part of it is that I just feel weighed down and exhausted. I sometimes feel like I can't face the world or face life anymore - and like I don't want to even if I could.
I received some really, really difficult and unexpected news this week. And some really, really difficult and unexpected events occurred as well. I do not do well with the unplanned and the unexpected. I am not spontaneous and I enjoy planning and preparing. Life didn't just throw me curveballs this week - it hit me with the balls. And I am handing it with the grace of a clown on a banana peel.
I'm sorry that this post has been negative. I wish that there was some knowledge that I could impart on you. Some nugget of wisdom that could avail you of whatever challenge you might be facing. As for me, I will say that I am dealing with it by letting the denial be. I have slowly been opening up to close friends. I've been writing. I've been reading books to help me through this time and watching movies that are a good distraction. I've been "acting as if" - faking it till I make it, if you will. And right now it doesn't seem like I am making it at all. It feels like I am falling - or rather, that I've fallen to a place where I can't fall anymore***. But I'm sticking with it. I know that I am resilient. We all are. Even when giving up seems to feel like the best and only option. And I just have to believe that as bleak as life is right now, there must be something good in the future waiting for me, waiting for us all. It might not at all look like what we had hoped for or wanted, we may never achieve that life we had imagined, but I believe that it will give us some sort of pleasure, happiness, fun, fulfillment… and peace. And at some point, a glimmer of hope must trump the inevitability of darkness.
**This is SO a topic for another day, but I don't think that I've ever fallen in love with someone. I've had crushes, sure, but I think that I will know when I actually fall in love (as cliche as that sounds). Also, I have love for everybody. I actually truly and deeply do. There is no one is my life that I haven't forgiven. I certainly don't forget certain things, but I forgive. I wonder if that makes me incapable of really loving someone. I hope that happens for me sometime (soon). There is no one on this Earth that I do not feel love for - and I also feel love for everyone who ever was and who ever will be. Sorry that the end of this post turned into a mushy 13-year-old diary entry. I suppose that was my first tiptoe into vulnerability on this blog, and I'm already mortified…
*** Again, super off topic, but I don't believe in a "rock bottom." Before you roll your eyes or get upset, please leave a comment, as I would love to explain. Also, this is something I plan on writing a post about in the future, too!
QUOTES (lots of them!):
PS Article Roundup
(Not that this first article isn't relevant or anything!)
10 Pitfalls Keeping You From An Awesome Meditation
7 Ways To Take Control Of Your Health, Even In A Crisis
8 Ways to Lean into Negative Thoughts for Kids
6 Ways to Start Practicing Self-Compassion — Even If You Believe You’re Undeserving
How to Know If Someone Has Really Changed
8 Surprising Reasons Young People May Suffer from Depression
How Forgiveness Changes a Person
PPS
Today's meditation brought to my attention precisely what I've been struggling with a great deal for the past few days:
Meditation: Day 13 - The Present Moment is Your Magnet and Your Purpose
(Chopra Center 21-Day Meditation Challenge: Shedding the Weight
Centering Thought: I am drawn into the present moment with ease and joy.
Mantra: Om Hreem (Life is one unified wholeness.)
Quote: "The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it." - Thich Nhat Hanh
___
I never thought that having "butterflies in your stomach" was a real thing, but I guess it is. I felt them all day today, flapping their wings, as the tidal waves in my own life came crashing down. The butterflies weren't the nervous, eager, excited anticipation kind of butterflies. Nor were they falling in love** type butterflies. Nor were they happy or positive in anyway. They were the "eating my insides," dread, panic, anxiety, despair kind. Without divulging too much and without making this post a sob story, I will just say that I am dealing with a really challenging set of circumstances in my life right now. It has caused me to question.
I want to abandon all that I thought I knew to be true.
Everything feels shaky, everything feels untethered and uprooted, caught up in a confusing and violent spiral. It is hard to live, to be in the present moment. And being in the present moment is one of the most profound ways in which I practice my spirituality. It is how I really live.
Right now, I feel caught up in past mistakes and regrets and what-if's and should-have/ could-have's. I feel angry - I am so filled with rage that bubbles up in the form of stinging tears out of the blue. My mind feels trapped in this cage of the past. And I am also trapped in a future cage. I can't stop worrying - obsessing, really - about the future. I play out catastrophes in my head and fear spins ceaselessly like a steering wheel that has lost control. I can't seem to get my hands back on the steering wheel that is my mind. I can't seem to steer it back into place, back on course, back into safety. I feel like I am flailing and drowning and sinking at the same time. If this were quicksand, I know that relaxing and not resisting would be best, but I really am fighting reality, resisting with all my might, abandoning my acceptance practice.
I feel like I am being tossed in a violent ocean. Except, I am the ocean. I often akin mindfulness and meditation as the experience of being the river (the river is the Self) with thoughts/ feelings/ etc. being the leaves on that river. Right now, that water is caught up in a storm. A reckless, unforgiving tempest hellbent to exact revenge.
Amidst all of this, I feel a deep depression. It is not sadness. This is different. I do not want to go into the details of it because I am not sure how helpful it would be for anyone to read. Part of it is that I just feel weighed down and exhausted. I sometimes feel like I can't face the world or face life anymore - and like I don't want to even if I could.
I received some really, really difficult and unexpected news this week. And some really, really difficult and unexpected events occurred as well. I do not do well with the unplanned and the unexpected. I am not spontaneous and I enjoy planning and preparing. Life didn't just throw me curveballs this week - it hit me with the balls. And I am handing it with the grace of a clown on a banana peel.
I'm sorry that this post has been negative. I wish that there was some knowledge that I could impart on you. Some nugget of wisdom that could avail you of whatever challenge you might be facing. As for me, I will say that I am dealing with it by letting the denial be. I have slowly been opening up to close friends. I've been writing. I've been reading books to help me through this time and watching movies that are a good distraction. I've been "acting as if" - faking it till I make it, if you will. And right now it doesn't seem like I am making it at all. It feels like I am falling - or rather, that I've fallen to a place where I can't fall anymore***. But I'm sticking with it. I know that I am resilient. We all are. Even when giving up seems to feel like the best and only option. And I just have to believe that as bleak as life is right now, there must be something good in the future waiting for me, waiting for us all. It might not at all look like what we had hoped for or wanted, we may never achieve that life we had imagined, but I believe that it will give us some sort of pleasure, happiness, fun, fulfillment… and peace. And at some point, a glimmer of hope must trump the inevitability of darkness.
**This is SO a topic for another day, but I don't think that I've ever fallen in love with someone. I've had crushes, sure, but I think that I will know when I actually fall in love (as cliche as that sounds). Also, I have love for everybody. I actually truly and deeply do. There is no one is my life that I haven't forgiven. I certainly don't forget certain things, but I forgive. I wonder if that makes me incapable of really loving someone. I hope that happens for me sometime (soon). There is no one on this Earth that I do not feel love for - and I also feel love for everyone who ever was and who ever will be. Sorry that the end of this post turned into a mushy 13-year-old diary entry. I suppose that was my first tiptoe into vulnerability on this blog, and I'm already mortified…
*** Again, super off topic, but I don't believe in a "rock bottom." Before you roll your eyes or get upset, please leave a comment, as I would love to explain. Also, this is something I plan on writing a post about in the future, too!
QUOTES (lots of them!):
"Whatever it is you're seeking won't come in
the form you're expecting."
- Haruki Murakami
"Life is not like water. Things in life don’t
necessarily flow over the shortest possible route."
- Haruki Murakami
"But who can say what's best? That's why you
need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not
worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more
than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret
it for the rest of our lives."
- Haruki Murakami
"Every one of us is losing something precious
to us. Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back
again. That’s part of what it means to be alive."
- Haruki Murakami
“I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted
to know what it was like to get my fill of it -- to be fed so much love I
couldn't take any more. Just once. ”
- Haruki Murakami
“I'm
full of fears and I do my best to avoid difficulties and any kind of
complications. I like everything around me to be clear as crystal and
completely calm.”
- Alfred
Hitchcock
“But
surely for everything you have to love you have to pay some price.”
- Agatha
Christie
“One
doesn't recognize the really important moments in one's life until it's too
late.”
- Agatha
Christie
“Very
few of us are what we seem.”
-
Agatha Christie
“It
is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous
that you realize just how much you love them.”
- Agatha
Christie
“I
like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable,
racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just
to be alive is a grand thing.”
- Agatha
Christie
PS Article Roundup
(Not that this first article isn't relevant or anything!)
10 Pitfalls Keeping You From An Awesome Meditation
7 Ways To Take Control Of Your Health, Even In A Crisis
8 Ways to Lean into Negative Thoughts for Kids
6 Ways to Start Practicing Self-Compassion — Even If You Believe You’re Undeserving
How to Know If Someone Has Really Changed
8 Surprising Reasons Young People May Suffer from Depression
How Forgiveness Changes a Person
PPS
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