June 29th, 2017

June 29th, 2017


Affirmation:  I get adequate rest, exercise, and nourishment.

Fears and doubts get smaller when I talk about them.

Today I am willing to let go of all the negative tapes that I hear.


Word of the Day: trothplight (n):

1. engagement to be married; betrothal.

2. to betroth.

3. betrothed.

expostulate (v):

1. to reason earnestly with someone against something that person intends to do or has done; remonstrate: His father expostulated with him about the evils of gambling.

animus (n):

1. a usually prejudiced and often spiteful or malevolent ill will

2. basic attitude or governing spirit : disposition, intention

3. an inner masculine part of the female personality in the analytic psychology of C. G. Jung

Inside This River

Inside this river there is a moon

which is not a reflection.

From the river bottom the moon speaks.

I travel in continuous conversation

with the river as it goes.

Whatever is above

and seemingly outside this river

is actually in it.

Merge with it, in here or out there,

as you please.

This is the river of rivers

and the beautiful silence of endless talking.

The Miracle Signs

Here are the miracle-signs you want,

that you cry through the night

and get up at dawn asking.

that in the absence of what you ask for,

your day gets dark, your neck thin

as a spindle, that what you give away

is all you own, that you sacrifice belongings,

sleep, health, your head,

that you often sit down in a fire like aloeswood

and often go out to meet a blade

like a battered helmet.

When acts of helplessness become habitual,

those are the signs.

Excuse my wandering.

How can one be orderly with this?

It is like counting leaves in a garden,

along with the song-notes of partridges

and crows. Sometimes organization

and computation become absurd.

The Self We Share

Look fish, you are already in the ocean.

Just swimming there makes you friends with glory.

What are these grudges about?

You are Benjamin.

Joseph has put a gold cup in your grain sack

and accused you of being a thief.

Now he draws you aside and says,

You are my brother. I am a prayer. You are the Amen.

We move in eternal regions,

yet we worry about property here.

Let this be the prayer of each:

You are the source of my life.

You bring rivers from the mountain springs.

You brighten my eyes.

The wine you offer takes me out of myself

into the self we share.

Doing that is religion.

_____

Ways To Say No

As I wrote in my last post, learning how to say No is incredibly important in our lives. Doing so helps us maintain healthy boundaries and relationships with others and ourselves and also allows us to be more thoughtful and committed to the things we say Yes to. In spite of understanding the benefits of being able to say No when needed, many people (myself included) continue to struggle with actually doing so. Here are some suggestions to help you master the art of saying No that you can put into practice today (I've included an example with each one, but feel free to put them into your own words):

1. 'No' as a complete sentence. 

 “No, thank you" or "No, thank you. I won't be able to." (Say it, don't apologize, then shut up.)

2. Vague but firm.

"Thank you for asking me, but that is not going to work for me."

3. Referral/ Delegation.

"I won't be able to, but why don't you ask Joe? I bet he'll be able to."

4.  Last Minute Boundary

"I can't add anything onto my calendar this month, but the next time you're planning to go _____, let me know as soon as you can because I would love to go with you."

5. It's Not Personal

"Thank you for thinking of me, but I am not doing any interviews this quarter while I am focusing on starting my new project."

6. Gratitude

I'm so touched that you thought of me and I really appreciate your enthusiasm and support. I'm sorry I won't be able to help out at this time."

7. It's Not Whether, But When

"I would like to, but I am unavailable until August. Could you ask me again closer to that time?" OR “None of those dates work for me, but I would love to see you. Send me some more dates.”

8. Gracious

"I truly appreciate your asking, but my time is already committed."

9. Word Of Mouth Is The Best Recommendation

"I won't be able to, but let me recommend someone to you who would be able to help you."

10. Someone Else Asked First/ Family

"I already told my partner/ therapist/ coach/ etc. that I would not be taking on more at this time. I am working to create a more balanced life." OR "That is the day of my son's dance recital, and I never miss those.”

11. Know Thyself

"No. But here is what I can do...." (then limit the commitment to what works for you.)

12. Time To Assess

"Let me think about it and I will get back to you."

13. Give Others A Chance

“You know, I feel like the accounting department is always organizing the office fundraisers/ parties. Let’s ask the Marketing Department to help this year.”

14. The Pressure Valve

Author Katrina Alcorn shares: "We need a ‘safety word’ for saying no—an easy way to tell people that we can’t/won’t do the thing they are requesting, but that it’s not personal. One convenient thing about authoring a book called Maxed Out is that now I can say ‘I’m maxed out’ and people who are familiar with the book know I’m asking them to respect that I’m taking care of myself, and that I also respect their need to take care of themselves.”

Remember, just because you are available to do something or can do something, does not mean that you ought to. When asked to do or commit to something, ask yourself, "Do I want to do this thing, or is it that I feel I “should”? Will saying “yes” bring me joy or meaning? Or will I feel dread or regret when this particular event or task rolls around?"

If you realize that you want (and need!) to say No, try experimenting with some of the suggestions above to see which one(s) work best for you (remember that certain ones work better with certain people and/or with particular circumstances).

As always, I would love to hear your feedback about what has worked or not worked for you in terms of saying no. And, perhaps more importantly, what are the things (and people) you would like to start saying Yes to more often?

June 26th, 2017

June 26th, 2017


Affirmation:  I deserve to be healthy.

I can get out of any ruts that I find myself in.

Fears and doubts get smaller when I talk about them.



Word of the Day: humblebrag (n):

1. a statement intended as a boast or brag but disguised by a humble apology, complaint, etc.

2. to make such a disguised boast or brag: He's humblebragging about how tired he is from his world travels.

sybilline (adj):

1. mysterious; cryptic.

2. of, resembling, or characteristic of a sibyl; prophetic; oracular.

moue (n):

1. a little grimace : pout

Messengers from the Mystery

Love is the way.

Messengers from the mystery

tell us things.

Love is the mother.

We are her children.

She shines inside us,

visible-invisible, as we trust

or lose trust,

or feel it start to grow again.

Dhu'l-Nun's Instructive Madness

Some friends of Dhu'l-Nun, the Egyptian,

go to see him. They have heard

that he has gone spectacularly insane,

that he is a wildfire no one can contain,

this man who has been such a source of wisdom.

They arrive at his house. He yells out,

Hey, you had better watch out,

coming here. Who are you?

Don't you remember us? We are your friends.

What secret are you hiding with this madness?

Dhu'l-Nun begins to rave a mixture of filthy language

and gibberish. He rushes out and grabs up stones

and throws them at the group. They run.

See, he calls. You are not friends.

A friend does not run from pain

inflicted by a friend.

There is joy within suffering

that is the kernel of friendship.

A friend is pure gold singing

inside the refining fire. He thrives on fights

and misunderstandings and even madness.

What the Friend Wants Done

One who does what the Friend wants done

will never need a friend.

There is a bankruptcy that is pure gain.

The moon stays bright

when it does not avoid the night.

A rose's rarest essence

lives in the thorn.

_____

When Generosity Means Saying "No"

"Saying ‘No’ does not always show a lack of generosity and that saying ‘Yes’ is not always a virtue." - Paulo Coelho

To follow up on an earlier post, I wanted to take the time to address one of the most common myths surrounding generosity: that being generous means saying yes to people.

As I see it, the opposite is often true. This is true in several different contexts:

1. Sometimes giving people what they want is not what they need/ is not what is in their best intererests.

We've all likely been in situations where people ask us to help them with something or do something for them that we do not believe to be in their best interests. This can include, but is certainly no limited to, people struggling with addictive behaviors or codependency. It can be particularly challenging to say no in these situations, especially when there is an emotional investment in the other person or when the other person responds with threats, intimidation, passive aggressiveness, or any other type of manipulation. The two most important things to remember in these situations are 1) to not take the other person's request/ behavior/ communication personally and 2) to uphold your boundaries. I will write more about how to say no specifically in my next post.

2. Saying yes to too often causes us to be spread too thin. This can lead to stressed inputs, medicore outputs, and commitments left undone. 

It is important to remember that when we say yes to everything, we are actually allowing the things that we will end up not finishing/ not doing well up to chance. The way I see it, it much more preferable to prioritize and decide for ourselves what we wish to devote our time, attention, and energy on. In the words of Suzette Hinton, "“We must say "no" to what, in our heart, we don't want. We must say "no" to doing things out of obligation, thereby cheating those important to us of the purest expression of our love. We must say "no" to treating ourselves, our health, our needs as not as important as someone else's." Until we learn how to say NO to the many things that are constantly vying for our attention, we will always say YES to so many things. One all too common cause of a regretful life is a life that failed to balance YES and NO. A life that did not recognize when to courageously say NO and when to confidently say YES!

3. Saying Yes when we mean No cheapens our word, diminishes our sense of self-respect, and compromises our integrity. 

Saying Yes out of a sense of duty, guilt, obligation, insecurity, inadequacy, a desire to be liked, or a desire to maintain the peace is a recipe for diminished self-esteem and self-worth. People pleasers often struggle to say no, even if saying yes makes them feel uncomfortable. What we don't recognize in the moment is that saying Yes is only a temporary band-aid solution for our underlying insecurities, inadequacies, and other feelings that we will have to address at some point. Saying yes under the pretense of saving a relationship is only a front for a crumbling relationship foundation that must be addressed.

Remember that what you do not do determines what you do. You can be just as proud of the things you have not done as the things you have done. It's only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that really matter.

In the words of Stephanie Lahart:

“Let today mark a new beginning for you. Give yourself permission to say NO without feeling guilty , mean, or selfish, Anybody who gets upset and/or expects you to say YES all of the time clearly doesn’t have your best interest at heart, Always remember: You have a right to say NO without having to explain yourself, Be at peace with your decisions.”

- Are there certain individuals or contexts (i.e. work) or topics around which you find yourself automatically saying Yes?

- What are the things you would like to say No to in your life? Why? What would the consequences or results of these No's be?

- What are the things you would like to say Yes to in your life? Why? What would the consequences or results of these Yes's be?